Disappointment

The last 2 days have been a near total disappointment. All my life I've dreamed of being a Red and joining the Caste with the highest honor where men were of high caliber and standards. I stood proud and elated when Trenton sponsored me into the caste and told me I had the makings of mighty warrior of the Red. Then I was accepted into the caste. As for being a warrior...I've always walked the path of a warrior and will die one. It burdens my heart to say that the Red Caste has been a major disappointment in my life. Once accepted I honestly couldnt say the men surrounding me were honest or honorable...they lacked grotesquely in standards of high caliber that I grew up believing they were. Trenton assured me that they were at one time an honorable bunch but alas those days have come and gone and its disheartening to me. Ive watched as it has rapidly deteriorated right before my eyes, with the acceptance of warriors who know nothing about protecting their homes, nothing about honesty and most importantly, nothing about honor. Well, when my Ubar left the caste, I was faced with a decision of staying a Red or moving on. Slowly the caste was disappointing me...rumors of pirates and dregs of Gorean society were being considered to join the caste sickened me. What would be next? Panthers?

Then while reading the Chronicle one day I saw that Lydius was no longer listed in the Caste's roster, it infuriated me. Aye, Trenton left....but I did not, nor did my brothers but we no longer existed to them! Well, I'd had enough and so resigned. Upon my resignation I received yet more disrespect and slander when the scribe of the caste, a mere woman was allowed to offer me nothing but words to dishonor me. Had she been face to face with me, she would have been collared and disciplined without thought. I was further disappointed when the first chair dubbed me a quitter and a whiner and then blamed Trenton for it. I left on my own accord...I dont blame anyone for my resignation. They dishonored me and I will not nor can I be proud to say I am of the Red any longer. They do not have the standards of integrity and honor I used to hold them accountable for...all they have are lies and deceit and because of it...they will fall. If they think that applications from pirates will help them flourish then more power to them. Pirates is all their standards are worthy of. Perhaps there is no caste that truly walks the way of the warrior...perhaps I have been disillusioned all my life. But that is now a closed door and where life closes a door, Odin opens a window.

Well, I was so angry this afternoon, I took it out on 3 bottles of kalana and spent the afternoon at the beach with ember dancing for me on the sandy beach then we sat and I held her until la'torvis set in the sky. I promised her the other day that we would spend some time together at the alcove where she could dance for me more. I, then, went back inside and in speaking to my woman, it amazes me how encouraging she is with her words. She knew just how disappointed I was but she reminded me of the wonderful things in my life, Lydius, my family, her, my unborn boys (alright, maybe girls but highly unlikely). Of course, her touch, her words, her scent, everything about the woman sends me into a tailspin. Just a simple kiss sets us both off and well, Callie is very innocent and naive when it comes to matters of the sleeping chambers but she learned something new tonight. She seemed to enjoy our playtime in our playroom and so now I've taught her yet another wave of enjoyment that we can take to our playground. She did quite well for her first time, her tongue worked enjoyably as her mouth took me for the first time. I wanted her to find it pleasant and I think she did. I look forward to her learning much more. Well, it is late and hearing Callie's quiet breathing is lulling me to sleep. Until next time my journal...