Lies and Illusions

Supposedly things have been going well for me. I reunited with my mate, our family is growing and I dove into my duties. Life was good....so I thought. I was happy and proud for Callie. She opened a shop and spends all her time there. All of her time. Im not so happy anymore. Maybe Im being selfish but I cant even get her alone for a few ehn to tell her how I feel. We'll see how things fare.

Then the biggest mess of my life happened. I noted one of the freewomen of Lydius eyeing me. Actually, Callie mentioned it to me right after we reunited saying that the woman appeared hopeful for a chance with me. Of course I laughed but secretely wondered. So I watched and sure enough I did notice the looks, the change of her demeanor as I stood near and the dreamy eyed look when we would catch glances. I denied it all because that's what honorable men do when they are mated and have a family. Well, in Callie's absence, I would find myself going to the same places this woman would go, I even gave her a task of putting together a tournament for the women just to have contact with her. Im a fool right? Thats why Im writing this, so I can read this and remember my stupidity.

One day, one of my guards commented about my brother Jared and the Lady were out riding. Finding that odd, and myself a bit jealous I headed over to the stables. And sure enough they seemed cozy and my heart sank. Not to seem obvious I challenged my brother to a spar for the Championship Ring he held. Anyway, I comformed to the situation, decided I would be happy for my brother that he found someone that made him happy even tho he seemed happy with Alex. I'll never understand those types of relationships but I dont have to. All I know is the woman I thought I could love was with another and I needed to just look away and be happy for them. Then the lies started. One night on the beach in one of my teasing manners, I joked about with this woman after she told me I worked too hard. I asked her playfully if she had a suggestion for a distraction and that triggered off a whirlwind of events. She ended up telling me that she loved me, that I held her heart and always had and when I asked her about Jared, she told me that he had Alex and that even if she were to mate with Jared, she would always be second in his life. Well, arent all women second place in a man's life? That seemed interesting but I went with it...it felt good, she was returning my feelings I held for her. She even presented me with a ring, a small gift of thanks she said for everything I've done for Lydius and for her. I do find it interesting tho that I havent touched her, not even to offer a sweet kiss for the gift but life was good again for that one instant.

Since we determined our feelings for one another, the next step was to deal with reality and I told her I needed to speak with Jared and Callie. Surely Jared would understand (wasnt too sure how Callie would take it) suddenly, she was afraid for me. Afraid I asked...of what? She wouldnt explain why she was afraid for me just that she was afraid of the talk between us brothers. I found it odd and we fought. She shared a bit more about her relationship with my brother. She tried jusitfying the fact that she was attracted to his demanding ways and how she melted at his kisses. I was getting angrier and more jealous. Then she claimed she feared his collar. It got more interesting and I got more angry and jealous. What on Gor did she do with my brother to make her so afraid of his steel? So naturally I asked her about her virtue. She assured me that she did nothing with him that in fact she resisted his advances. Right...she resists his advances but attracted to him and melts to his kisses. This woman was playing with me and trying to pit me against my brother. And we fought. Now I hadnt scrolled my brother yet but told her that I did and she stewed the whole day. And I knew the ihn we spoke I would have my proof of the lies she spat.

So anyway, I have since spoken to my brother. Before I did, I spoke with my Ubar and told him everything and he became angry. "No one pits my warriors against each other without discerning my wrath!" His words. He even warned her earlier in the day on the beach to take care of me, she wouldnt want to piss him off. And I asked him to be present at the meeting with my brother. Aye, I'd say the Lady has much to fear now but not becuz of me or Jared. And now I know why she was so afraid of my talking with Jared becuz I would learn the truth and I would know of her dishonor to both me and him. He has no reason to lie to me and she had every reason to fear that. My guess and really only a guess from how she acted I would say she secretely wished for me and my brother to fight over her. It was never voiced just an impression I got from the situation. For whatever reasons, they were her own if indeed that be the case. My brother told me of their relationship, that he liked her and was getting to know her. When I mentioned she insisted that she resisted his advances he told me that was to the contrary, in fact that she pressed up against him when they kissed, how his hands roamed her body and how she moaned pleasureably not wanting him to stop. In his words that was how that garnered him the scroll where she claims he "shook her to the core striking a deep chord". I found myself getting angry and hurt at this meeting only becuz everything down to the tiniest detail she lied to me about. The biggest lie being that she loved me...she looked straight in my eyes and told me she loved me. Jared saw the hurt in my eyes and told me that he was angry too, but he had no feelings for her, he liked her yes and was getting to know her but he was now disgusted with her becuz she was toying with me. How can one warrior strike a deep chord and shake her to the core one hand and the next hand be in love with another? She cant. How can I, a man of deep honor love a woman like that? I cant nor will I. Yes, I still have feelings for her and am a bit lost at what I need to do. How can I start a relationship with her with the knowledge that she lied to me on every aspect, every detail? She even told me that Jared gave her no choice but to go to the spar and sealed it with a demanding kiss. That that is how she got him to go. He said he only kissed her a couple of times and each time she melted but it wasnt forced and it wasnt to make any deals and he didnt even kiss her until after the spar. Lies...all lies!

I find no comfort in anything except my bottle of kalana. Im headed for the jetty and there I will sit to reflect and decide on my direction. I know that Jared wishes to meet with the woman and have me there. He wants her to explain a few things to me, he says not so much for himself but for me but beyond that meeting I have no clue as to my next move. I know that she and I will have to talk but at this very ihn, it doesnt appear that our relationship is healthy. It's already flailing and it hasnt even really started. But hey, nothing lost I suppose. Just the sting of it all but that will pass. Funny how my anger must be keeping me from getting drunk. I am numb though and the numbness helps with my thoughts so... numb is good.

I have managed to stop the incessant rain that my stupidity has sanctioned long enough to put this all down on rence. It will be my reminder when things seem too good to be true. When you think your dreams have manifested only to find them all an illusion. I will wake up one day, smarter than I was yesterday and the pain will go away. And the true loves of my life are my city, my Ubar, my Brothers, my children, my girls....there is nothing else.