Determination

After a few hours of rest I awaken with ember entwined in my arms. She massaged me after returning from the tourney even tho I had not sparred. She wanted to relax me. So I kissed her sweet head and slipped from the furs to jot down my thoughts for the day. I sit here quietly in my sleep chambers, warmed by the fire in the chamber's pit, watching the flames dance high. ember sound asleep, stirring only slightly as I moved from her. She did well, this night, scoring for tonights events at the tourney, which were impressive I have to admit. A big turnout it seems with 4 matches of skill and honor. Well, there were a couple of strikes that I felt werent exactly honorable but not everyone shares my opinions. My Ubar did, saw it in the looks he gave me. I always enjoy watching good friendly spars amongst brothers and tonight was no exception. I am especially proud of the sibling of my soul, he sparred honorably and fiercely. The man I know and came to love as I found myself here in this city of mighty warriors. Way to go, my blood Brother!

I kept watch for the Lady Sakari but as I had already guessed from the gift she sent that she wasnt gonna show, I didnt reply to her rence until mid tourney for I actually wanted to speak with her face to face but when I saw she wasnt gonna make it I returned her gift and told her there was no use in getting to know me any further, that I was well aware of her character. I dont take lightly to anyone lieing to me and well, it abounds with the Free Women on Gor nowadays. I dont need them telling me they wish to get to know me and then turn around and leave immediately, wishing me to chase them down. Not my nature nor will I lower my standards to do so, for anyone. I sent her a thank you gift for she did brighten my night for a few ehn and I would be lieing if I say I didnt enjoy her company. The last free woman I dealt with baited me against my brothers twice, it didnt fare well for her, telling me that she loved me, another lie so I believe I will keep to myself. There is no need to bother myself with these women. One day, someone will come along and will deserve my love, my heart but until then they have a lot to prove me. Or perhaps I threw it away and if that be the case then I live with my mistake and my journey will find me uncompanioned for the rest of my days. I have my children, they are beautiful...my legacy guaranteed.

On a brighter note...I slept continuous last night. No dream. At least I dont remember one. It is said we always dream and if that is so then it was not one that woke me up. In spending some time with Callie the day prior, we talked quite a bit. She is my best friend after all and I took her finally to see the cottage for she has never been there. She was a bit reluctant at first but was able to enjoy her time with me and the children. She even agreed to take back the twin girls...they so need her. The woman knows me almost as well as ember does. She asked me how I was really doing. I told her honestly that I lacked sleep. She asked me why and I told her about my recurring dream. She told me that I needed to finish the dream, to control it enough to reveal its nature to me. So I did. I took a few quiet ehn to lift my thoughts to Odin in silent prayer as Cpt. Samson taught me as a young boy, in reflection and asking for guidance. As usual, I had no idea how to ask but was granted relief in the form of a long and continuous sleep. I dont know how long that will last because I still have yet to have the dream reveal itself. Im beginning to think that perhaps my nightmare is just my own fears. Fears of being the best I can be, fears of love and trust, fears of losing loved ones, girls and friendships, of even the dream itself...I have lived long enough to chalk up fears. But like anger, it is an emotion that must be dealt with, controlled or one loses sight of ones purpose. So my fears have been allowed to surface, now its time to move on and focus. Focus on the love of my children, of my family, of my girls and of my city. Let's see if my bad dream ceases. I can only hope for the best tonight. I will keep you informed, my rence of thoughts.