Will I Ever Open My Eyes?

Being that my nights are sleepless I find myself out on the jetty alot. The tremoonlight has a strengthening force about it as you watch the waters tide come slowly rolling in and crash on the rocks. Just when I thought I cleared the clouds that obscured my vision, just when I thought I had gained my footing back on the ground I find that my eyes are still shut and worse yet, Im not listening to logic. I just reread my journal entry describing Lady Sakari. Dont get me wrong, the woman is beautiful and charming. But I must have vulnerability written all over me cuz she just schmoozed her way right in! Thinking back on my encounters with Kari. The glances she would offer me, the words she spoke, the gentle caresses...all practiced. She even asked me if she could steal my heart. Told her it would take a fierce army to steal my heart. Her response..."perhaps you don't know a true woman's determination to get what she wants." How flattering all her words were. Odin she had me thinking about her in my future! How many men has she swooned over to her side and just how many has taken the bait? The last time I tasted bait, I impaled a dagger into the woman's heart. Im not ready for this...how can I be when I go out onto the jetty and think about every single if in my life. But I will say this, what she did for my mood this hand I have to thank her for. She did make me smile and she made me feel good for a spell and for that, I sent her a bouquet of the exotic flowers, the sunflower. And come tourney time, I will talk with her to let her know that she need not prepare the fierce army, my heart is nowhere to be found at present. I need to open my eyes and start listening to logic again. I think its time to displace my heart and tuck it away for now. Brennus, get a grip for Odin's sake!

I took the children to see Callie today. I thought it was enough time that they were without their mother and they beamed with happiness when I told them that I was taking them. Breanna looks and acts just like Callie it amazes me. I didnt take the baby girls because sondra had just put them down after having them fed so I didnt want to disturb them. Besides, I will be sending sondra with the babies so that Callie can meet their nanny. I did it again, I made a decision on the new nanny without discussing it with Callie. She gets all hurt when I dont include her on things like that. Guess Im just not used to discussing things with women that require my decision, Im not hen pecked and it drives her nutz. She asked me how I would feel if she made decisions without discussing them with me? I told her I would be angry cuz Im the one that makes the decisions anyway, beat her butt if she made decisions without consulting me. She will just have to trust me enough to realize that I will make the right choices in the best interest of our children. So I will have sondra sent over today with the twin girls.

I've decided I will not sell my girl jade. I will hang on to her. Poor girl has gone thru some trying times and she has finally found her home here with us. Well, duties call. Until next time, journal.